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It took almost three years for me to realize—mahal ko siya.

June 2012

So, hayun ako: haggard at pariwara. May mga guys na nag-uusap. Ang ingay, para silang mga ewan. Nakakainis, feeling ko tuloy ako `yung pinag-uusapan nila. Kahit kinakausap ako nila Trisha, nakikita ko bawat roll ng mga mata nung mga guys. Kanina pa sila, nakakainis! They keep turning to me and when they notice, they turn away immediately. Konti na lang, Megan, tapos na `tong first day na `to.

Umalis si Jen kaya si Trisha na lang `yung kasama ko. Tiningnan ko ulit sila. Tumahimik na sila. They were still talking to each other like monkeys in a zoo pero tumahimik sila. Alam niyo yung tipong may pinaplano sila? Ganon. Then, I just noticed na `yung isa sa kanila nakatingin sa`kin habang nagsasalita. Hay nako. Boys will be boys. Tapos, hindi siya yung nakatingin pero,

Lumapit siya. Siya `yung shortest sa kanila. Dark. Mukha namang mabait pero—

“Ano number mo?” WHAT. Walang`ya, kung `di lang ako pinapaligiran ng mga taong `di ko pa kilala, nasampal ko na `tong lalaking `to. Grabe ha. I just rolled my eyes almost out of my sockets para malaman nung guy kahit kalian hindi ako mahuhulog sa kanya.

You see, that was my biggest mistake.

Tapos `yon, umalis na siya. Tapos tumatawa yung mga kasama niya. I was not even humiliated. I was enraged. Gusto ko sila hampasin isa-isa ng shovel or machete or something. Buti na lang natauhan sila’t umalis sila ng room.

November 2012

We became friends. Don’t judge me, I’m complicated. His name was Andrew. `Di ko mapigilang magreply sa mga text niya kasi natutuwa ako sa kanya, ewan ko ba. And he’s really kind, too! Nakakainis. Pero pag nasa classroom na tapos lalapitan nya`ko para kausapin ako or whatever, nagkakandalabuan na. `Di ko na alam gagawin ko. Nung first year, wala akong pinansing lalaki. As in, wala. Ano na nangyari sa`yo, Megan?

It wasn’t long until nagtatawagan na kami. Grabe. Natawa ako non. Pero ganon pa rin… I feel awkward whenever he approaches me in person. `Yun bang tipong hindi mo alam `yung gagawin ko kasi the former mind-set kept on kicking in. Oo, naiisip ko na baka iniisip niyang pinapaasa ko lang siya. Pero something tells me kasi na I should be patient, like, I should wait for a sign. I know it sounds so lame and stupid pero wala eh. I trust the gut feeling.

February 2013

Binigyan ako ni Andrew ng gift. Binuksan ko sa service. The usual yiees echoed in the school bus. A bookmark. A cartooned dog you can insert over the edge of a page. Ang cute, walang`ya. Natuwa ako. Pag-uwi ko, I did the rain dance. Seryoso. Ganon ako natutuwa. Weird, `di ba? Yet he stuck with me. Huy, katunog ng he’s stuck with me. Pero tingin ko vice versa.

So, `yon binigyan nya`ko ng gift. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko, “Hayan na, Megan! Magparamdam ka na! `Di ka ba naaawa sa lalaking `to?!”

Pero `di ko talaga magawa. I needed another nudge. That old mind-set kicked in again. I texted him na lang, “Thank you!! :)))”

March 2013

Isang beses, nagspeak-up siya,

“Meg, sorry talaga kung naaawkwardan ka ah. :((((“

“Ay. Haha it’s okay :)” Megan, you lying filth of a girl.

“Weh?? :(((“

“Oo ngaaa”

“K. :)))”

“K :P”

Hay nako, Megan, kailan ka ba magbabago?

September 2013

Nung third year naman kami, mas naging….. ewan. Hindi na kami classmates pero ganoon pa rin: text, text; call, call; whatever. Ganon pa rin: pag sa personal na, wala na. Nagbibigayan rin kami ng gift occasionally. Ganon. Yeah.

Pero napansin ko rin ha: the more I get to know him, the more I appreciate him for what he is and even what he isn’t. Hindi mayaman family nila. Hindi rin siya matangkad. Sinasabi ko nga lagi sa kanya na mas matangkad ako pero pinagpipilitan niya pa rin eh. He doesn’t speak that much English like I do. Pero wala akong pakelam. Siya `yun. He’s he and that’s all I need.

Napaka-sensitive pa niyang tao. Minsan, I forget na this is actually a guy I’m talking to. Nakakatuwa lang. And also, the way he talks about God that doesn’t make him sound like some priest or pastor or whatever… ewan ko nga eh… he makes it sound so… welcoming.

That and more.

Kaya one day, naisip ko: maybe I could give him a hint. So I texted him,

“Andrew you free on sat?”

“Ha? Bakit, ano meron?” My heart raced.

“Wala lang haha……. we could hang if you want to :)))”

“Anong hang?”

“Hahahahahaha stupid ka :P Hang out kasi :P :P :P”

“Ahhhhh. Ewan. Saan?”

“Holly’s”

“Holly’s?”

“Holly’s Coffee sa south :)”

“Eh di nga ako umiinom ng coffee dba? -.-“ Napangiti ako.

“I think meron naman silang hindi coffee eh”

“Weh. :P”

“Oo nga! 12:30! :))”

“Ah okay. Text na lang kita :))))))”

“Okay :))))” Napangiti ulit.

I hoped he got that hint. Natuloy naman kami nung araw na `yon. It was our first actual date. Ever since, we were dating for, like, once every two and a half months, I guess? Pero, oo binilang ko.

January 2014

Medyo nagkakalabuan kami. Hindi `to yung kagaya nung dati na we just get awkward. Nagkakalabuan talaga. Y’know, serious couple stuff. (`Di nga naging kami eh). Hindi ko rin alam `yung nangyari eh. Ang alam ko lang, ako `yung unang lumayo……

Minsan, nadadaanan namin ang isa’t isa. And I can’t even look him in the eye! `Di ko rin alam kung bakit. Siguro napa-paranoid ako, siguro nao-overcome nanaman ako ng pride ko, ewan, walang`ya! Pero ako `yung unang lumayo—`yon ang unang pinagsisisihan ko.

Kaya `yon, third year ended the way second year started:

Hayun, ako: haggard at pariwara.

A heart broken is a weary heart;

pero ano bang magagawa ko?

But I loved him with such an art.

March 2014

Kung saan-saan kami pumunta ni Mommy nung bakasyon: sa Baguio, Bangui, Vigan, Singapore, sa mausoleum ni Dad sa Manila Memorial—now you know why I’m a man-hater. No one can replace my first boyfriend. No one.

April 2014

`Yon, dumaan ang March na si Dad ang nasa isip ko. (I miss you so much, Daddy). Tapos, kahit anong gawin ko, Andrew keeps coming in and out and in and out of my mind. Nakakaurat na. Walang`ya! Gusto kong masuka out of annoyance. I kicked you out of my life, how could you just ricochet your way back in! OA na no? Exactly. Then, may nagdala pa ng jackhammer sa puso kong pakong pakong pako na:

I logged in my FB account late in April. Kasi sa summer, siguro once every two weeks lang ako nag-oonline. So, `yon. Nagpalit si Andrew ng DP. He was holding some girl as if in a dance. The girl was pretty, and she was clad in this modest but chic, pink dress; hazelnut eyes, honest make-up, the right amount of wavy brownish hair, that and all. Ang daming likes, wow! Siguro mga 40 rin `yung comments. Lam na dis.

Natawa ako.

Tumawa ako nang sobrang lakas. `Di ko kinaya, I ROFL’d. Literally. Tutal, nasa work naman si Mommy so who cares, right? Ako lang mag-isa sa bahay. Mag-isa na lang sana talaga ako sa bahay forever, mas maganda pa, `di ba? (Now, replace the first a in bahay with u).

Hindi nga? Mas maganda na `yon diba? Kesa naman ganito. Nababaliw na`ko. Napakasakit magmahal, Megan. Ma-effort. Matrabaho. Mahirap. Ma-stress. MA-SA-KIT.

Siguro mga 15 seconds akong tumatawa non tapos wala na. Wala na, wala na, wala na, wala na, wala na, wala na, wala na, wala na, wala na. `Di ko na talaga napigilan. My tears (water)fell. With matching hagulgol. Seryoso.

Ang sakit.

Sa iPad, hayun sila sa picture, nakangiti! Ako, nakahiga sa floor, umiiyak. Parang batang kinuhanan mo ng laruan tapos tinapon mo `yon sa basurahan. Ganon ako umiyak non. Nakakatawa `di ba? Nakakatawa talaga! Naalala ko `yung laro sa birthday party sa mga Jollibee, McDo, whatever. `Yung uupo ka sa balloon tapos papaputukin mo. Alam niyo `yon? Ganon yung nangyari sa puso ko, walang`ya.

Ang sakit.

May 2014

The past few days, natutulog lang ako. Tulog gising kain tulog gising kain. mas mabuti nang tulog kaysa iniisip siya. Tinamad nako maligo. (Disclaimer: minsan naghohot shower naman ako). Since seeing that DP ni Andrew, siguro I’ve missed 3 or 4 episodes ng Game of Thrones. Haaaay. Kaiyak. Minsan I see him in my dreams. Happy. With me. Pero most of the time, it’s when he’s smiling with that girl with those hazelnut eyes.

One day, humahabol ako sa GoT nung may nagtweet sa`kin,

“Meg, napakinggan mo na ba `to? Ang cool! [There’s a link to Ed Sheeran’s Take It Back]”

Si Andrew. `Di ako makapaniwala. Gusto ko magalit pero wala naman akong karapatan. Tutal, hindi rin naman naging kami eh. Sa bagay, ako rin naman yung lumayo in the first place, `di ba?

July 2014

Isang beses, napadasal pa nga`ko. Seryoso. Gaya ng sinasabi ni Andrew na ginagawa niya. Gabi `yun. Tulog na si Mommy. Pero napaiyak ako non. Namiss ko si Dad. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit iniwanan ko si Andrew; and why I left all that we had in the first place.

Naalala ko `yung sinabi ni Andrew,

I knelt by my bedside.

Bowed my head, face on the matress.

I didn’t do the Sign of the Cross.

I uttered a prayer that went on for 3 minutes.

Just like he said he does.

Sounds lame, `di ba? Pero `yun `yung ginawa ko kasi hindi ko na kinaya and I didn’t have enough willingness to call anyone or to even wake up Mommy. Kaya I prayed. Tapos—

May tumawag.

“Meg.” Si Andrew.

“Andrew, hi”

“Sorry” Tae, hindi ko alam pero ngiting-ngiti ako non.

“Ha? Why?”

“Sa mga nagawa ko”

“What, Andrew? Wala ka naman—you know what? I’m sorry”

“Ha, bat naman?”

“Kasi ang labo ko”

“Okay lang, Megan” He giggled.

We talked about Ed Sheeran and Trisha’s boyfriends and ex-boyfriends and those boyfriend’s other girlfriends. I then asked him via text about that girl with the hazelnut eyes. He didn’t reply.

Medyo gumaan `yung damdamin ko. Gusto ko pa rin malaman kung sino yung girl—more importantly, kung anong meron sa kanila. The day after, nagreply siya. Sabi niya na hindi niya kayang magsinungaling sa`kin kaya sinabi niya na something of an MU na raw sila.

I kinda figured that out na. Pero I needed somekind of closure kasi, y’know? And you know what’s funny? I now kinda believe that someone somewhere answers prayers. My prayer that night was definitely answered.

At least I knew na I had to set my limits on connecting with Andrew emotionally. Kasi nga, he has this new girl na whose name I found tagged in that DP—Laina. `Di nako bitter, wag kayo mag-alala. We were no longer making calls, though we still texted and twittered and whatnot.

December 2014

I gave him a shirt for Christmas, along with this letter telling him all I needed to tell him. I totally caught him unawares, kitang-kita sa mukha niya, pati dun sa wrinkle na tumatakip sa balat niya. So, Andrew told me that on the next month he’s going to give me a gift. Nakakatawa kasi `di na`ko na-excite `di kagaya dati. Maybe because I was beginning to get over?

Wrong.

January 2015

`Yun nga, Andrew preferred to give me a gift, as well, kasi he said that he was all guilty na ako may gift para sa kanya and he didn’t have anything for me. Fair enough. So, `yon. Nakalusot kami, as always. Nagkita kami. (It’s funny how chance is always by our side). Binigay niya sa`kin `yung gift. Pag-uwi ko, I opened it. A cat tee. Nakakatuwa, kainis! He knows that I hate cats!

Pero, for him, I wear it at least twice a week since he gave it to me.

Nagkaroon pako ng lakas ng loob na tanungin si Andrew kung pwede pa kami magkita. Namiss ko siya, walang`ya. Tinext ko siya,

“Andrew! Wala ka bang gagawin ngayon?”

“Inutusan ako ni Mommy, magbabayad ako ng bills sa South.”

“Ah… samahan na kita! Wala rin naman akong gagawin dito sa bahay ugh its so boringggg :(((((“

“Nasa South na`ko, Meg! :P :P :P :)))”

“Pilar lang ako :P Sige, shower lang, wait for meeee! :P :P”

“K.”

“K”

Megan, anong ginawa mo!

`Di bale na. I’ve done what I did. Siya nga lang talaga. Ewan ko, siguro tama rin si Mommy na chances are I’d meet a better guy in college pero hindi eh, I can’t just forget him like that!

Pero, Andrew heto yung pangalawa kong pinagsisisihan—ang mahalin ka.

Pero, what can I do?

Kahit ang pagsisisi, nahuhuli.

Ay.

Lagi pala.